October Roundup, '18
The witches are here, y'all! This October feels a lot spookier than in recent years, and I am not mad at it. The new shows you totally should, maybe kinda not, or definitely shouldn't watch are as follows (with the really good shit in bold, plus a few non-series honorable mentions):
Watch This Shit:
"So, apparently Game 5 of the World Series is tonight? ... Is it tonight? Might still be on? I don't know, it's not for me; I don't care, I'm here with you."
Late night talk, hosted by the best friend you wish you had.
Also, BRIDGET EVERETT.
Alright, so... I'm old, y'all. Old enough to have watched every single episode of the original Charmed series as it aired. (Same with Sabrina, btw, but more on that later...) It ran through my youngin' years and I didn't have much else to do with my time except watch shit. (My, how things have changed!) So, I can't help but compare it to the original. I was really hoping for an actual continuation of the story, even if it had nothing to do with the Halliwells. I wanted some kind of contrived "something or other happened to the Halliwells, who probably won't be making any cameos, and these other three random girls are the Charmed Ones now." But instead, we're getting "Hope y'all don't remember the Halliwells 'cause we're just ripping off their story and changing some shit, but it sure as hell ain't about them."
The main differences: the Charmed ones are hella young, their Leo is British (and maybe evil?), the house is a fucking mess, and there are goddamn text message bubbles everywhere.
Some seems to be the same, however: Whitelighters, the Source, a dead Mama, Melinda Warren; the gang's all there. I'm not sure how it's all going to play out, but it's made well enough to at least give the series a shot.
I just wish it wasn't Charmed: The College Years.
In keeping with the witchy reboot trend, here's Sabrina the Teenage Witch. But unlike Charmed, this shit is unquestionably good. She's no longer thanking God for Fridays, she's scrubbing off hexes put upon her by "succubitches," she's fighting for social justice (I'm personally obsesseddddd with the Women's Intersectional Cultural and Creative Association), she's sending a trillion spiders to torment Balki, her Aunts "praise Satan"... I mean, just in case you thought there was gonna be some semblance of the cute and squishy Sabrina of Yore, the scissors to the throat about 10 minutes in should get your mind right.
P.S. Good Goddess, how I hope Roz finally creates the Daughters of the Black Panthers Club.
I watched the first episode of the Roseanne revival back in March. Plainly and simply: it wasn't funny. Same with Season 9 of the original iteration. I've watched every episode of seasons 1-8 over the years because they were amazing television, but when Roseanne gets too much control, it just goes wrong. Clearly.
Cue ABC making the smart decision to cut ties with her and continue the Conner family's story in this third iteration of the series which actually made me laugh. Fuck, it made me cry! It tugs at all the heart strings, evoking genuine emotion from all ends of the "feels" spectrum in 22 minutes of not-Roseanne. Maybe I'm just a bleeding heart liberal, but mixing in all of Barr's real-life "baggage" (the nicest way I can think to put her toxic garbage) takes away from the true-blue goodness of the show, which this new take has in strides.
Apparently, Harry Styles moved in with a civilian couple for a bit while being a celebrity elsewhere. This Damon Wayans Jr. vehicle is the multi-cam loosely based on that odd scenario. He's great and has deserved his own series for a while, so I can't not recommend it. (Especially with Stephnie Weir playing his mother-in-law.)
A sexy beast of a ghost story writer (my thirst for Michiel Huisman is real) is on the hunt for the best true ghost stories, though he himself has never seen a ghost. Which is surprising because his childhood home (the freakin' Hugh Crain mansion) was super haunted. The narrative jumps back and forth between past and present day and, y'all, it's SO GOOD. I watch a lot of scary shit and I'm telling you: such good scary shit is hard to come by these days.
It's an original concept, I'll give them that. Hulu's new horror anthology series will premiere one episode per month, centering around a holiday within that month. Episodically, it feels overly long; try thinking of the series as a movie-of-the-month and you should be good to go.
In the first installment, "British American Psycho" is talked into bringing his murder victim to a costume party, where he goes a bit more psycho. And gets a girlfriend.
I gave up on The Originals some time during Season 2. I could only stand "this random sibling vs. this other random sibling" so many billion times. But I did stick with The Vampire Diaries through to the end. (Fun fact: my 15-years-older-than-me straight brother first got me interested in the show... crazy, right?) Anyway, I have no idea how things played out on The Originals, but I guess Hope is all grown-up ('cause of course she is) and living at Caroline and Alaric's very own Hogwarts/Xavier's/Magic School (is this a new trope?) in Mystic Falls, where all this shiz started.
The gist so far: A secretly supernatural creature temporarily infiltrates the school, long enough to make out with Hope and steal a weapon that burns a bunch of bitches on a bus.
Also, Mattycakes has an all-too-brief cameo, still Sheriff-ing it up in his home town in 2029.
My inner-teenage-girl is sooo excited for this one. The new kid at school is probably a witch and, when invited into a circle of friends (one of whom she definitely wants to either fuck or become), she basically makes them all dieeeee! [Insert thunderclap here.] I mean, they don't all bite it in the first episode, but it seems to be where the story's going.
It feels a bit too professorial for my taste, but Hasan's is a welcome voice in a talk show field overcrowded with straight white men.
Anthology docuseries dissecting significant moments in music history. The first episode revolves around Bob Marley, his politics, and the 1976 attempt on his life.
I know relatively nothing about Teen Titans, other than the fact that Robin's in it. My comic book experience started with Buffy Season 8, so pretty much everything before that is Greek to me. In terms of TV Land, though, this series seems to be Gotham meets X-Men.
The gist: A group of young and not-so-young (Teen Titans they aren't) folks (some of whom can, like, leave their bodies in a cloud of black rage or burn the whole entire motherfucker down and shit) find their lives intertwined, but aren't exactly sure why. If it's a "team up to fight crime" story, it's gonna be a very slow burn, because so far it's just about saving the girl.
But, goddamn, it's interesting. It's like a less silly Powers. They say "fuck" and everything!
This shit's mad old, but definitely worth watching. It was meant for Fox back in 2013, but Fox sucks a fat one and never aired it. All these years later, it's finally getting it's US premiere this month on Crackle.
I don't think I can accurately explain how fucking bored I was watching this. Marilyn Munster meets Martha Stewart meets... the Muppets? I don't know who this show is for, other than Christine McConnell herself. It just seems to be another avenue for her to show off the creepy/pretty things she makes.
The long-gestating RuPaul-produced Alyssa Edwards reality show centering around her small-town dance company. You either love her or you don't, but you're probably entertained by her either way. However, if Abbey Lee Miller-esque drama is not your bag, then maybe skip this one because the Momagers have definitely come to the party as well. It's Dance Moms meets drag.
P.S. Miss Alyssa, please put that Drag Race Season 1 blurry filter away, gurl.
Ugh. I was gonna fully recommend this one, but then Big Jay Oakerson (who had a show I loved on Seeso [RIP]) waxed on about how dating a trans woman is "at least a little gay" and how respect for men is disappearing, even though women have had it "too good for too long." Um, bye.
So, it's A Haunting. Or Paranormal Witness. Or umteenth other shows just like it. Except this time, the narrator is telling their tale to a room full of people whom we see, rather than a room full of people behind the cameras. Oh, and it's a half hour. Super "original," Netflix.
Racism: The Sitcom.
When it's not random therapy sessions, it's a couple having sex issues. And when it's neither of those, it's Toni Collette getting hit by a car.
Don't Watch This Shit:
This series is made for GOP teenagers to revel in how awful they think SJWs are.
I really dislike Eli Roth's work. Like, a lot. His contributions to horror as part of the so-called "Splat Pack" are the worst, in my opinion. Simply put, his horror is not my horror. With that said, this series should be a documentary about everyone's horror, which is why I watched the premiere episode. But it just amounts to "what Eli Roth thinks about everyone's horror." So, here it is folks, the day I thought would never come: the one in which I definitely do not recommend a horror-themed series. Unsurprisingly, it's Eli Roth's fault.
Terrible people get terrible tattoo artists to put terrible (and secret) tattoos on their "loved ones" who only see it for the first time after it's permanently on their body.
I'm gonna watch the Cara Maria episode whenever it airs, but that's it. This shit's dumb.
The '70s Goldbergs. But all-boys. And Catholic.
The title pretty much says it all, except for how sharply they cut Drumpf up and down throughout this special. I really hope they bring it back to series. (ALONG WITH AQUA TEEN, GODAMNIT, ADULT SWIM!)
A fucking insane self-made documentary about a film-maker's first film, which was stolen by the director (a pathological liar who "was really a Cancer") during post-production. Crazy twists and turns, with a lot of love for Singapore.