March Roundup, '19


Late again! But way less late than last month. This one's Instagram's fault; and no, I will not explain. Anyway, I promise to you, dear reader: end-of-the-month normalcy when the end of the current month rolls around. Or if I'm late again with the April roundup, I promise to feel at least as bad about it as I do now. (Picture me feeling super guilty.)

Watch This Shit:

  • Abby's

    If Cheers was in a backyard. (Seriously, you can name each character from Cheers that Abby's characters are based on. But you can do the same thing with 30 Rock and The Muppet Show, so I'm not really mad at it.) Turns out... still funny.

  • The Act

    Ooh-wee, is this one uncomfortable, y'all. But thank fuck Patricia Arquette has a good television role again. She is so good at being low-key evil in this, that it's honestly a little terrifying. Chloë Sevigny and mini-Carrie Bradshaw are shining a bit as well.

    Anyway, cast aside, the deal with this one, if you don't know, is true crime by way of Munchausen syndrome by proxy.

  • Finding Justice

    Powerful docuseries examining currently active legal racism, everything that's critically wrong with it, and the people directly affected by it.

  • Hang Ups

    This British adaptation of Web Therapy (which I loved) breaks the fourth wall its predecessor didn't and is a bit more family-oriented, but both facts don't take away from the quality at all. If anything, it just adds some complexity to the characters that was maybe lacking in the original series. (It premiered last year in the UK, but it's here in the regular list [as opposed to "Shit I Missed"] because it's just now making its US debut on Hulu.)

  • Love, Death & Robots

    I... probably wouldn't have liked the first episode if I wasn't stoned when I watched it, if I'm being completely honest. But I'm a big fan of animation and this series is basically just a showcase, with each episode being created by completely different crews.

  • Now Apocalypse

    It's kind of likeeeee... gay Girls meets... aliens in LA?

    AND they used my favorite Jamie xx song.

    I'm really into it, y'all.

  • Punk

    Grumpy old punks reminisce. (It is more interesting than it sounds, especially if you like music docs.)

  • Shrill

    Aidy Bryant is a fat woman who let way too many people give too many out-loud fucks about it until she decided to give zero fucks of any kind about them.

  • Tacoma FD

    Farva and the cute Super Trooper are fire fighters now, in America's rainiest city no less. All the calls they go on happen to be hilarious (and/or sawft) and when they're not working (which is often), they're fucking around at the fire house. (#thirstythursdays)

    Basically the fire station is a frat house, full of dudes with barely any classes.

  • What We Do in the Shadows

    Guillermo is the familiar ("best friend/slave") to Nando the Relentless, a vampire with a house full of neurotic cohorts. The big baddie Baron Afanas sends word that he's ready to party, so they've got to get shit together for his arrival. Think: a goth Parks & Rec, except Leslie Knope's gotta turn Staten Island into a vampire haven rather than Anne's pit into a park.


  • After Life

    Ricky Gervais is a widower which has made him a pretty consistent level of "miserable asshole" to just about everyone else who exists. So, "comedy?"

    I think I only like him when he's Derek, to be honest.

  • The Case Against Adnan Syed

    Serial: The Docuseries. It's really only worth watching if you haven't listened to the first season of Serial yet. (Which, if you haven't: bitch, where you been the past four years?)

  • The Fix

    Mr. Eko was OJ 2.0 back in 2010, an actor found not guilty of the brutal murder of his wife. Eight years later, the former attorney who couldn't get him prosecuted (Sarah Bailey!) is investigating him in another murder case.

    It'd be great if it wasn't super lawyer-y (and therefor boring) a lot of the time. Also, the white woman vs. black man narrative is, frankly, unappreciated.

  • Hanna

    Holder kidnapped a baby and Linden is real pissed about it. Mama gets killed during the kidnapping which results in baby and Daddy living in the wilderness of Poland, where Hanna gets raised to be a super-genius killing machine. Once puberty sets in, she finally thinks "Hey, is there maybe more world than just these fucking woods?" So, behind Dad's back, she spider-monkeys her way through some trees and eventually meets a boy (also quickly finds out that they're trouble). Then, finally tracked down by Linden, Hanna essentially lets herself get taken in order for Holder to get away. She floats off on a helicopter and sees her first sunset and it's super magical or whatever.

    Honestly, I wish some things were different. Namely the lack of Mireille Enos and Joel Kinnaman spending much screen time together. Plus the ever-present dullness. (I was bored even writing up the review, y'all. You should probably just stick with the movie. Saoirse Ronan's the shit.)

  • The Order

    I gave this one a shot because of Katharine Isabelle, but it's basically just lame Magicians.

  • Turn Up Charlie

    Idris Elba's a shitty DJ who becomes the nanny of a bright dildo thief. (The kid's bright, not the dildo.)

  • The Widow

    So, Kate Beckinsale's husband went down in a plane crash. Three years later, she sees the back of a dude's head on the news, convinces herself it's her dude ('cause that bitch is wearing an orange hat [#eyeroll]), and travels around the world searching for him. Spoiler alert: it probably ain't him.

    She should just compare ears in different pictures instead of taking her ass to the fucking Congo. Did y'all know ears are like fingerprints? Sidebar: watch The Imposter. It's CRAZY.

Don't Watch This Shit:

  • Mental Samurai

    I watched this because my husband wanted to and because Rob Lowe's pretty. But otherwise, I probably wouldn't have given it a shot. For the mere fact alone that those dumbass contestants volunteer to get flung around the room, all kinds of upside down. The thing is, though, that they have to answer dumb questions while being flung. I guess only the Samuariest make it? (No one does.)

  • Million Dollar Mile

    L. O. L.

    CBS thinks you want to watch people who need money do a few obstacles while running a goddamn full mile (IN REAL TIME) as a professional beast chases them to prevent them from getting the money they need. (Who are we supposed to be rooting for here, while we're super bored for most of the show 'cause these assholes are running fucking MILES?) They also figured the least charismatic meathead around should host. 'Murica.

  • The Toe Bro


  • The Village

    The series that finally asks the tough questions, like: "What if This Is Us was in one apartment building?" and "How many main cast members can we have?"

    It sure is dramatic, funny, and (ugh) patriotic and simultaneously woke enough for it to be on plenty of "Watch" lists, but because it's a blatant grasp at getting another ratings grabber like This Is Us on the air, and because that show has become (let's face it) exhausting... I don't have much faith in this one. Their attempt at unifying everyone in the building isn't really that successful. Everything actually feels very disparate and there's no one character or storyline to grab onto.

Honorable Mentions:

  • Drag Me Down the Aisle

    Some of your all-time favorite Drag Race queens put on their Queer Eye hats and help a fine young lass have a better wedding than she would have had without them. It's not even as awkward as you might think it is!

  • Leaving Neverland

    YOU. ALL. I just can't with these exposés. This is the third in as many roundups, behind R. Kelly and Lorena. But this Michael Jackson-shaped punch in the gut hits extra fucking hard. (Make sure you watch the Oprah special too.)

The Shit I Missed:

  • Day 5

    A dude on a heavy drug binge finally leaves the apartment (because his lighter dies) and finds himself post-apocalypse (although he assumes not a single other living person anywhere means it must be Christmas [#junkielogic]). It quickly jumps across the comedy line into drama land (which it does regularly, and really well) when our dear junkie Jake can't find any member of his family (alive, that is).

    It's basically The Walking Dead season 1, except instead of death turning you into a zombie, it's sleep turning you into a regular ol' dead thing. Sleep = death. And. It. Is. NUTS.

    It first aired back in 2016 on Rooster Teeth (which I guess is a more podcast-y Crackle?), but it's airing now on the El Rey Network. There's also apparently a third season premiering some time this year, so look out for that.