April Roundup, '19

 Jordan Peele as The Narrator of the CBS All Access series THE TWILIGHT ZONE. Photo Cr: Robert Falconer/CBS © 2018 CBS Interactive. All Rights Reserved.

Check it out, y'all! It's a fully on-time end-of-the-month roundup! And, oooooh, has it been a good month. As usual, the extra good shit's in bold. But the non-bolds are nothing to scoff at either.

Watch This Shit:

  • Black Summer

    The early (and deadliest) weeks of the zombie apocalypse, told through vignettes. Damn near all of the creatives behind Z Nation are telling this tale, but it is absolutely an entirely different animal. Don't expect any blue bitches, or many laughs for that matter. (See what I did there? 'Cause "blue." It's a pun about sadness! I'm, like, a really good writer.) It's super serious is all I'm saying. You should fully expect proper Walking Dead dramz, without Negan's dumb ass ruining everything.

  • Bless This Mess

    A music journalist and a therapist cut that shit out and move into dead Aunt Maggie's farm house in Nebraska, then instantly regret it. Sort of. It's Funny Farm 2019. (With sexy-ass Ed Begley Jr. sleeping in the barn. [Don't judge me, that old man is hot as fuck.])

  • Bonding

    The most un-bodyguard looking cute little ginge of a thing gets hired as a bodyguard for his friend, Mistress May (a dominatrix for hire by night and a psyche student by day). It's cool, though, 'cause it pays a lot and he gets to read dudes to filth.

    I do just have to say, though, *ahem*... Dear Netflix, this is the second queer-leaning show that premiered this month, after Special (more on that amazingness below, dear readers), both of which are chopped down to quarter-hours. The fuck's up with that? WE 👏 WANT 👏 MORE. Sincerely, basically everyone.

  • Chambers

    Oof, this one's a chiller, y'all. A New Mexico teenager has a freak heart attack and receives an emergency heart transplant. #Twist: she starts getting visions that may or may not be hinting at the cause of her heart donor's mysterious and untimely death. And speaking of, the donor's family is rocking a white savior complex to the max. They set our surviving heroine up in a new school that's got a fatherfucking NAP ROOM. (Can you even image?)

    Plot aside: Sivan Alyra Rose is killing ittttt. I can't wait to see more of her work.

  • Huge In France

    A French comedy superstar comes to America where he's just French (and a deadbeat dad).

  • Lazor Wulf

    Lucas Bros. meets BoJack meets... McDonald's?

  • The New Negroes

    If you're mad 2 Dope Queens only gets 4 episodes per year, then watch this new stand-up(/music) series while we wait for more.

  • On Tour with Asperger's Are Us

    A comedy troupe, made up entirely of members with Asperger's, gets a shitty RV and travels across America. Hilarity and car trouble ensues!

  • Ramy

    The millennial view of Muslim life in America (and not just from the male gaze, btw).

    If you're one of those hateful Fox News zombies who feel justified in their disgustingly racist fear of melanin, even you'll agree: Ohio sucks.

  • The Red Line

    Daniel (Noah Wyle) is a newly single gay dad (of a pretty remarkable teenage girl named Jira [played by Aliyah Royale]) whose husband was a definitively innocent black man murdered by a dumb racist fuck of a Chicago cop (who, shock and awe, gets off scot-free). The woman who gave Jira up for adoption (whom Jira doesn't know, but wants to) is running for a seat on the city council, opposing a long-time incumbent.

    Plus (with a capital P!), this beast of a series has Ava DuVernay attached as an executive producer, so you know it's going to be done right.

    P.S. A completely unrelated sidebar that I have to rant about: Corey Reynolds should've definitely been the one to leave The Closer rather than Gina Ravera back in the day. #justicefordaniels (I sure can hold a grudge.)

  • Special

    A gay guy with cerebral palsy, who promises not to drool on you until the third date, is struggling to find love ("It's hard out here for a gimp"). More importantly, he's trying to keep his damn job and his CP a secret from his boss (which he just might be able to pull off, thanks to the car that hit him [he's fine, though (it's a whole thing)]).

  • The Twilight Zone

    I mean, honestly, if you need me to introduce you to The Twilight Zone: goodbye. Go watch it. Now. BYE.

    In this iteration, Jordan Peele's running the show and he's not trying to reinvent the wheel (I'm looking at you, Forest Whitaker). It is as true to the original as possible, while still updating it for today's audience. Episode one gives us Samir (Kumail Nanjiani) making a deal with the devil (Tracy Morgan) so he can be an actual funny comedian. The TZ twist: everyone (pets included) he names in his stand-up sets completely disappears afterwards, from existence as well as everyone's memories (except Samir's).

Meh:

  • Fosse/Verdon

    On the surface it's two legendary entertainers, mid-legend (with a death countdown clock and everything). But really it's just low-key the making of Cabaret. Also, Paul Reiser's mad about everything. (#igotjokes)

    I just wish it wasn't so damn boring. The dance numbers are the most exciting thing about the series, but the thing about that is: we've seen them all before. Now it's just people doing pale imitations of the originals.

    Michelle Williams is a real good time, though.

  • I Think You Should Leave

    Weird white guy sketch comedy. This one's for you, Tim & Eric fans. #sundayfundaywithpigdicks

  • Queens of Mystery

    An oprhan, raised by her three crime novelist aunts, grows up to be a police sergeant. Think Practical Magic, if it were more Murder, She Wrote than witch shit (although my husband, who's the mystery queen of the family, says it's more like Miss Fisher [I'll take his word for it]). Our dear new sergeant's first case on the job: a poncey bloke (yeah, the show's super British, if you haven't already guessed) gets killed in a suddenly dark room full of witnesses (who are obliviously no help, what with the sudden darkness of it all). #intrigueee

    I'm not going to keep watching, but my husband definitely is. So, I'm giving it a fair "Meh."

  • There She Goes

    A family drama centering around a non-verbal, learning impaired nine-year-old, as well as her parents and older brother. A little bit heartwarming, a lotta bit exhausting.

    (David Tennant sure can fill out a tight red tee, though. Just sayin'.)

Don't Watch This Shit:

  • Ghost Bait

    You know I love me some spooky shit, but nooope. Hard pass on this one. Also, it's apparently a revival of a series from a few years back, which... why?

  • Lunatics

    I chuckled exactly once (at the Kate Bush cupboard, if you're curious). But otherwise, it's just an underwhelming poor man's Tracey Ullman. The running joke seems to be that Chris Lilley doesn't make a pretty girl, which is... "funny?"

  • Very Scary People

    Billed as "a two-hour documentary series that chronicles the twisted lives of some of the most frightening, diabolical characters in recent history." Unless they're going to feature Jenny McCarthy in an anti-vaxxer episode, this one ain't worth it.

Honorable Mention:

  • Homecoming

    Beychella: The Documentary. (Really, though, it's 90% concert film and 10% documentary. Not that I'm complaining in any conceivable way, mind you.)

The Shit I Missed:

  • Cults and Extreme Belief

    There is SO MUCH heaviness for me behind this series and why watching it is, in a very simple word, important. So, I'll just keep it stupid simple: if you can't wait for new episodes of Scientology and the Aftermath, binge this shit on Hulu right effing now.

The Shit I'm Not Sure About, but Am Telling You to Watch Anyway:

  • The Boy Band Con: The Lou Pearlman Story

    I haven't been able to watch this yet ('cause, bitch, I'm not paying for YouTube), but apparently they're going to make most (if not all) of their original content free to stream at some point this year. So, look out for this documentary about the creeper who created Backstreet and NSYNC whilst molesting boys and robbing folks blind.