January Roundup, '20
Come throughhhhh, new decade! The TV gods wanted to start things of with a plethora of options, so there's a whole bunch to choose from. Here's the good and the bad with, as always, the extra good good in bold. Enjoy!
Watch This Shit:
Awkwafina is a nearly thirty hoarder who, realizing she shouldn't still live with her father and grandmother, tries to get it together, but ends up pantless on the street after accidentally burning down her friend's apartment with a dragon tale. Also, Bowen Yang is her cousin. They're both the shit. #godbeingabitch
Lincoln Rhyme: Hunt for the Bone Collector
If you haven't seen The Bone Collector (which... bitch, do it; Denzel and Angelina, nuff said), Lincoln Rhyme is a bed-ridden quadriplegic, made so by a serial killer dubbed the Bone Collector. Amelia Sachs is a beat cop who found herself in the middle of one of the Bone Collector's crime scenes, which leads her to becoming Lincoln's eyes and ears at future crime scenes.
That's the story which, quite simply, is written annoyingly averagely, but is worth your time because of the strong lead performances of Russell Hornsby and Arielle Kebbel.
This poignant anthology series tells a different true story of immigration each episode, but verges very heavily into struggle-porn territory. Very little attention, in the first episode at least, is paid to why the struggle is real, but it's strong, emotional storytelling nonetheless, even when it's somewhat simplistic in nature.
Adult Swim meets high octane action in this actually funny comedy. Well done, Netflix. Well done.
P.S. Since anyone will do anything for $12, I say we all send Netflix $12 in attempt to get Aqua Teen revived. Ehhhhh? Aqua Twelve Hunger Bucks, anyone? WHO'S IN?!
If you hate most things about the past two seasons of Project Runway as much as I do and if you're so-fucking-eagerly anticipating Heidi and Tim's new series as much as I am, then definitely watch this Netflix offering from one of the 2.0 queer eye guys in the interim.
Parents of 17-year-old twins move into recently deceased grandpa's mansion in racist-as-fuck upstate New York. When they're not pretending to be insurance brokers, they're secretly hunting monsters, unbeknownst to their kids (one of whom is some kind of psychic, btw). Suffice it to say, there are proper sci-fi chillies, but rest assured, it's way less silly than it sounds. (Might've been better for an October premiere rather than January, though. Obvs.)
I was going to use two words I've never used before (because they're lazy and should be banned from all reviews), but getting a prime suspect for an 11-year-old boy's murder precisely 12 minutes into a 10 episode miniseries does not a slow burn make. However, the tale is told in time-jumping chunks, from many different perspectives, with a shit load of twists and turns along the way, so it's up to the viewer to put the pieces together. And with Stephen King at the helm of the source material, that's a tall (and entertaining) order.
P.S. Hettienne Park!!!!!
This timely reboot of the '90s classic tells the tale of five siblings living in this fully-fucked country after their parents are deported.
So, Red Dragon is a British family man who gets approached by a stranger in a bar who informs him that his wife is a liar. She does so by revealing very intimate details no one outside of their family should know, let alone a complete stranger. She gets away before he can find out who the fuck she is, but she made enough of an impression for daddy dearest to start investigating his wife. Add to all of this a headless alpaca, a naked kid running terrified through the woods, and Eddie Monsoon acting not like a hilarious fashionista and you've got yourself an intriguing (and very weird-ass) mystery, kids.
Dometi Pongo (MTV News correspondent and host) investigates crimes committed against young folx across the country, seemingly with a larger goal to relax the amateur internet sleuths whose attentions were grabbed by the cases. (Though, if I'm being honest, it will likely just fan their flames.)
Meh:
RuPaul is Priscilla-ing across the country (with a 10-year-old orphan) 'cause her straight trade conned her out of a whole bunch of money ('cause American Express doesn't have fraud protection?). Watch it if you luhhhhhv silly campy shit that wishes it was dramatic, all with a Drag Race season one filter over it.
Forty years in the future, a space cruise goes off-course, so all the bitches on board will get home in 3 years rather than 5 weeks.
*shrug* It's not terrible. One thing's for sure, though: HBO has no idea where to go post-Game of Thrones.
Regarding this new MRI-accident-induced musical premise, I think Alex Zaragoza says it best: "If I have to watch another white person blandly chirp through a cover of a '90s R&B song, painfully body-rolling throughout, I will toss myself into the ocean and offer my soul to Poseidon."
But shout-out to Alex Newell playing the fairy godmother oh-so-very-well.
Don't Watch This Shit:
Why is it that when cops just don't want to follow the rules, it's called entertainment?
Anything involving TLC in any way, I feel the need to recommend. This series, however, features only sensationalized aspects of a famous couples' relationship. In the first episode, featuring Left Eye and that football guy she was with, we get subtle clues like "well, after she started the first fire..." that let us know how things end up, as if we didn't know already. The second episode reportedly features Faith Evans and the Notorious B.I.G., but Biggie's mother is mad at it and doesn't want anyone to watch. And I listen to Ms. Wallace.
Maggie Lawson and the pie fucker are parents to three geniuses and one dummy. Add a laugh track and you've got Big Bang Theory Jr.
Honorable Mention:
Fortune Feimster: Sweet & Salty
Watch if you're a little girl in Oklahoma wearing sweat pants and running across a pool. (Or if you like funny lesbians.)